When you stop writing, and then want to start again, it's hard to know where to start. So i'm going to start with this ... Life is interesting. it serves you up lessons when you least expect it. and if you are not paying attention, not leaning into your values and pushing to be your best self, these lessons can be harsh. The past few years have been a journey, and the journey is not over. I'm so greatful to be on this journey - and my hope is that it never ends.
There are events in life that make you stop. That turn your life sideways. That make you re-evaluate everything, and i mean everything. Values. What your purpose is. Who you are. Who you want to be. Deep questions coupled with deep, often painful, self-evaluation and learning. This is where it starts. Some people don't need life to serve them up a hard lesson to 'pay attention'. Good for them!
Over the past few years i've had a few hard lessons and amazing oppertunities served my way. I'm proud to say i've grown with each one. And I've come to the realization that writing helps me process that growth and to cement it. The initial lessons were deeply personal and i'm goig to leave those out for now, and just state that i started on a self-growth, self-discovery, and self-healing journey a few years ago. Those lessos were hard but i am so so thankful for them.
You see, in May of 2022, i was racing 3-day stage road race. I had traveled to eastren WA with my 2 kids and our au pair. I left them at the resort in levenworth, and showed up to race. I met a dear friend before the start - someone i had zwifted with for years and had the oppertunity to meet in person. It was the best part of my trip, and he was just as nice and friendly as he was online. The world is full of good humans - he is definately one of them. The race was un-eventful - rainy but the field i was in was smart and there were no accidents. The final 1km of the course was a closed course. My team gave me the nod to head up front on a downhill section, so i made my way forward. As we turned left, i could see the finish lint - up a slight hill. it was time for me to fly. I saw a line to the left of the field and started to sprint, watching the bikes to my right. As soon as i got clear of the wheels (ie: i was winning), i looked up, and felt, saw, and heard the smack of a car hitting me, head on. Some confused lady had found her way onto the course and hit me. I don't remember much after that. I was suddenly on the road. I was confused. People were asking if i was ok. I was asking if i could still race the next day, and where was my bike. the pain came in waves. First my left hand - i noticed the bruising and took off my glove. it really hurt. then my right shoulder. i struggled to get the key for my car out of my back pocket and someone had to do it for me. then my left shin and knee. and as i stood up, my right quad. I could walk so i opted not to use an ambulance- figured that should be saved for someone who might need it (ie life or death situation), and asked a friend to take me to the hospital. 2 other women were hit by the same car.
I was going 35mi/hr when that car hit me. and the car was going about 10, and then stopped when she hit me. My left hand punched the grill of the car and my left knee and shin smashed into it. the handlbar from my bike spun around and tore my right quad. My head smashed into the windsheild after i came off the bike, and then, according to spectators, i did a 360 in the air and then landed on my right side on the ground. I don't remember any of this.
It took a while to identify all the injuries. It took a while to release the emotional energy. I'm still healing - that part takes even longer, and some impacts may last my whole life.
I could have died. Honestly, i should have died. if you look at the facts on paper, it is nothing short of a miracle that i am alive, let alone able to race my bike again.
about 24 after the crash, I discovered THC and CBD cream - i did not want to be on narcotics but was in so much pain. I knew i needed to find an alternative and from what i read, THC could be the ticket, and it's legal in WA. OK, i thought, if i'm going to let my body heal i need to get off these narcotics and help it heal. The THC cream was amazing. I dropped the narcotics immediately and used the THC cream to help with the pain and the CBD for inflammation. I no longer felt sick to my stomach all the time and had a clear head. I honestly don't know why this stuff (at least in the cream form) is not legal everywhere. It is so much better than narcotics.
I was in shock for about a week after. I called into work on Monday. Rediculous i know. I had a concussion and didn't know it and the screen made me sick to my stomach. I had two new direct reports who'd started that week, i welcomed them to the team and then promptly told them i needed to take 8 weeks of medical leave. I knew i had to focus on recovery - i was in constant pain and could not focus. I barely had enough energy to get up in the morning, and i cried at least once a day, uncontrollably for at least 20 minutes.
Initial physical recovery was hard, it was frustrating, and it was lonely. I had a lot of pain, and much of it felt unexplained, and thankfully had a great chiropractor who helped. They were the ones who discovered one cause for my back pain - my ribs were out. 5 ribs were out to be exact. They popped them back in - boy did that hurt but it alleviated so much pain! i had to keep popping them back in a few more times before they settled into place. When the pain was not progressing as expected (i could not kneel on my left knee, my right arm/shoulder was unusable) ... they ordered MRIs for me so we could see what was going on. Turns out that I had a grade 3 AC separation and Grad 2 CC separation plus bursitis in my left shoulder. I had also fractured my right clavicle. We also discovered I had fractured my left tibia, torn my MCL, and had micro fractures all down my left shin. and finally, that i'd partially torn my right quad with the handlebar. I went to see some specialist to determine if i needed to worry about any of this - nope, let it heal. ok, roger that. I knew my current focus had to be on recovery.
Once i was thinking clearly, i knew i wanted to 'go home' to Nova Scotia. My parents are amazing people and my childhood home has been a place of love, restoration, and healing for me many times in my life. jonathan had to go to a 1 week long conference in CA and I said 'ok, i'm taking the kids and going home'. And so i did. Cast on one hand and sling for the other, with the help of strangers and two tropper kiddos, we made it. Jonathan met us there after his conference, and i spent a total of 3 weeks with my parents on the farm. It was so magical. I got to talk to my parents, to soak up the magic of the farm, to meditate, to breathe, and to heal. I even dusted off my 29in mtb and did my first ride since the crash while i was there. This trip marked a turning point in my recovery - i still had a long way to go, but pausing here and really focusing on body + mind recovery gave me the strength i needed to heal. I will be forever greatful for my parents - for many many things. But this trip will hold a special place in my heart forever.
