It's all about heart

There are so many things in life we take for granted. Our heart is one of them. For an average person this amazing organ, responsible for keeping us alive, beats about 100,000 times per day, and 35M times/year. Incredible right? And each of these beats ensures that oxygen, nutrients, and more get where they need to go. It's pretty crazy when you think about it. And it's not large, some say it is the size of your fist.

 

How much do you think about your heart? I know I don't think about it that often. I do when I can feel my heart rate getting high during an interval - it's a reflection of the work my body is doing - a signal of fitness (or lack thereof), fatigue, and health. I reflect on my resting Heart rate to also give me insights into how 'healthy' I am. But other than that? I just expect it to work. To be there.

 

Until now. One day in Feb as I was doing a 3 hour training ride to prep for my 'endurance-race-filled' summer, I felt my heart do something it hadn't done before. It felt like it was beating really hard and really fast. I've pushed my heart rate pretty high in the past, but this was different. I could feel my heart beat in my fingers , and I had no choice but to back off, to go really slow. My vision went a bit pink, and my peripheral vision was less focused. My chest tightened up and it felt harder to breathe. I was almost home, and chalked it up to a cold I'd been fighting, and purchased a new HRM as I thought my current one was failing. The next weekend it happened again, in the middle of Belgium Waffle Ride Arizona. 3.5 hours into a 7.5 hour race, it happened on the longest climb of the race. Normally at this point I'm settling in, and Its my time to shine. But that was not  happening. After the 'episode', everything felt hard. I had to dig deep emotionally and physically to finish - it was literally one pedal stroke at a time for some sections. Yes, I did finish 2nd in my AG, but it was not, for me, a good race. At the finish Jonathan asked me how it went. My response told more than I knew: " it was not great.  I felt like I was breathing death, but I am proud of me for focusing on relentless forward momentum".

 

I didn't give it a lot of thought until the next weekend. Third time is a charm, or for me, an alarm. It happened again, on a training ride. I knew something was not right. I talked to some friends and my coach. I started to look at my data. My heart rate had hit 223bpm for 5 min at BWR, and about 221bpm the weekend before/after. That was not good.  My race calendar went 'on hold'.  In that moment, all the planned trips and races went up in smoke. TBD.

 

I approached this like I approach most things - with energy and determination. :)  I called around - made an appointment with a highly recommended cardiologist and also took and appointment with a cardiologist who could see me right away. Long story short, I got my GP to order me a heart cam, bought myself a Frontier X2 which is an HRM that also captures your EKG, and started to collect the data while I waited for the recommended cardiologist.  Fast forward to today and I've captured 100's of hours of EKG, had an Echo, a CT Plaque scan, a stress test with heart imaging, and bloodwork done.  I got the heart cam results back - max heart rate of 362 (for that one, the HRM only measured 206!), suspected SVT with some Afib and Artial flutters.  I've spent hours learning how to read an EKG and pouring over my data.  I *think* I have figured out the pattern that causes the SVT to happen.   I've seen an electrophysiologist and they confirmed what the heart cam reported and got me in for an ablation procedure on June 13th which will hopefully resolve all the issues!  I feel so fortunate that in 3 short months I am already in a place where we know what is wrong, and we have a plan to fix it! Amazing, really.

 

It has been, so far, quite a journey. One filled with so much gratitude, grief, and reflection. Of recognition and remembrance that everything, including our time here on earth, is temporary. Of a deeper love and appreciation for what I get to experience each day. Of joy. And finally, of hope.

 

I am hopeful that the ablation procedure will resolve the issues, and I will be explore the great outdoors untethered, to push my body and explore my limits.   This evolution of 'becoming our best selves' is rarely what we expect it to be, and may not look how I want it to.  Regardless of how it evolves, my aspiration is to accept the journey with love, compassion, and joy.

 

Race report - BWR Arizona

 It's not all sunshine and roses, in fact what happens behind the scenes, can be pretty hard sometimes - this is true for everything in life. Work, Relationships, Athletic endeavors, and striving to be the best version for you. This weekend was a good example of this for me on the athletic front, and i'm sharing it on FB because i think it's important to acknowledge that we all struggle. We all have bad days. it's what we do when that happens that can shape us. I have more work and growth to do here - but am so happy to be on that journey with amazing humans who support me.

So .... this past weekend i did a 103mi gravel race in Arizona. Going in I knew I wasn’t in top shape. My knee was bothering me - i'd strained my mcl at Whistler, and it had flared up my right hip/glute and back. I had Zoe’s cold. Oh and that thing caused perimenopause was messing with me and i had wicked hot flashes leading up to the race which meant crap sleep. But that’s life and that’s racing. I knew it would be hard but I was committed to doing the race. Looking back I don’t think I mentally prepared for just how hard it would be. It was brutal.

My word for the day was gratitude. And contrary to how I might sound so far, I was grateful. You see, despite all these life things, i was here! The weather was perfect. The scenery was amazing. I was here to ride my bike all day- what a treat! In the start shoot I saw the moon - how cool. i love seeing the moon in the day. This moon would be my steady companion thru out the day.

The start was insanely fast… after the 10k climb we would dip into the dirt and no one wanted to be caught behind anyone else. I was one of those people and worked really hard to keep on a good wheel leading into the dirt. Once there I practiced safe passing and did my best. I felt pretty good, not amazing- my back hurt and my right hip hurt like heck but I’d applied some tiger balm and it was helping.

Into the dirt I was feeling pretty good and did a good job ignoring the pain in my back and hip. My knees were holding up with the copper compression sleeves I had on (that doubled as knee warmers!). I got stuck behind some slower riders, relaxed, and passed when I could. Once we were back on the dirt roads I found my caffeine and Tylenol. It’s like I felt it immediately, I felt so good going into 3 hours. And I was half done already! Wow, I thought, this could be a good day.

At this point I’d made one fatal mistake you cannot undo. I had not eaten enough. When I realized it had been 3 hours and I’d maybe consumed 300 cal, I started to shove food down my throat. But you cannot undo mistakes like that, and I would pay for it.

The wheels seem to come off around mile 75 to mile 95. And these miles were brutal. 2 miles of sand I could not ride thru. Single track that was grueling and where you did lot get any rest on the descents. Climbing. A lot of climbing. I watched the girls I’d been riding with and had passed, pass me. I said to myself. It’s ok. You just keep moving. Your job is to suffer now, so suffer as much as you can. I had no ability to push. I kept eating. Around mile 90, it came back. Part of it was that my body had more fuel. And part of it I’m sure was that I knew the suffering would be over and at the end I’d ask myself if I’d suffered as much as I could. I wanted to answer myself that yes, honestly I had. And I did. I honestly had suffered as much as I could on the day.

The views were so amazing. And every time I’d be tired and be hurting, I’d look out to the view and say “thank you”, locking the moon in my gaze. The moon was still there. I was still there. I could do this. I just kept pedaling and at some point it felt like my legs were on auto pilot.

I knew my power was low and ignored the numbers, focusing on the km until the next turn so I could break up the ride. The hardest part was a road climb where I seemed to struggle to hold over 160w. It was so demoralizing. I turned inward. Give what you have I told myself. Don’t leave any regrets out here. And I didn’t. i'm proud of not giving up.

Several times in the race I wanted to cry. My back hurt so much. My hip hurt so much. It was hard to push, my breathing was off. I could tell my glutes were not firing and my back was taking the load. Every time It felt 'too hard', i would ask myself: can you keep pedaling? Yes. Then stop feeling sorry for yourself and keep pedaling! Ok. I kept moving. I looked up. the moon was still there, my loyal companion. At this point, I didn’t give a crap about anyone else. I passed some and some passed me. I kept pedaling. I was deep in my own world of suffering mixed with gratitude. I kept looking up to see the moon, still in the sky, and the views - so breathtaking.

At the finish I was so done! I was not happy with my performance, but i had showed up for myself and i had dug so deep. my girls were proud of me. I had placed 2nd in my age group. And honestly I was proud of me too. I’d done something very hard for me on that day. I wish it had been a different kind of hard. But it’s days like this that make us realize what we are capable of. And make us question our life choices 🤪

and yes, i want to do another one. and i want to do better, to remember the lessons i learned and get another chance to see what i can do - emotionally, physically, mentally. And so now it's time to recover and recharge so i can try this again.

huge shoutout to my family - what great support i get! And to my community - my coach, Element Cycles for getting my bikes ready, and my friends. I feel like such a winner just by having these amazing humans in my life.

UCI Gravel World Championships

What a gift to get to race the UCI Gravel World Championships! From start to finish the trip was full of memories, love, joy, and discovery.   We decided to make the trip into a family adventure and all 5 of us made the trek Italy! We arrived exactly one week prior to race day, and stayed a few days after. So many incredible memories 

Leading up to race day the training was 'not optimal', but as an athlete who is also a mom with a demanding full time job, I am used to this, and because of that, it is easier for me not to stress and just 'go with the flow'.  Although it can be challenging, i feel privileged to be able to juggle so many things I love.  Carb loading started as soon as we landed with all the amazing Pasta, Pizza, Gnocchi, and more - the food was amazing (and a 7 day carb load is totally legitimate right? :P) . We walked about 10 miles a day exploring towns until 2 days prior to race day when i made the hard but good decision to 'chill' in the apartment while Jonathan and the girls went off to visit some cool historical towns. 

I can honestly say that registration for the race was the most stressful part of the whole race. Registration was Friday and for some reason they could not find my UCI license in their database. The commissaire showed up after about an hour and cleared me to race - i was in another database but not the one the race organizers could check (??). In any case, i left registration a bit tired from the stress, AND full of appreciation that I could line up on Saturday to race my heart out!

On race day i woke up excited. Today was the day! I get to race my bike thru an amazing UNESCO heritage site, mountains, vineyards, and farms. It was going to be beautiful, painful, and an amazing experience.  Lining up on Saturday was pure magic. I got into my pen 25 min early and everyone around me was chatting about how nervous they were. I did a little check in with myself ... how was i feeling? I was excited and i was incredibly thankful to be here, to race, and to represent Canada and wear the Maple Leaf. I can honestly say I wasn't nervous until the 30 second count down for our group. 

The vibes at the start were amazing - so much energy! i got to meet so many cool people waiting for the start. My age group (45 - 49) was the largest age group (aside from Elite which had ~100), with 30 competitors. I was anticipating a fast start and wanted to be in the front to avoid any crashes or delays in the CX section at the start. Given this i was prepped for action and had a solid start, grabbing the hole shot and then backing off once we settled in on the gravel. We had a solid group that worked well together for the first few KMs until the first rocky descent. I had heard about this descent from a few people and was prepared for it to be really hard and super sketchy. In reality it was short and not very steep, but full of fist-sized rocks. I rode a line to the left of the field and passed many people - this is where we caught the first age group ahead of us and i lost track of where i was in my field. 

I was positioning myself to be in the draft and quickly realized that i was a better technical rider than most of the field around me - better at navigating rocks, gravel, corners and especially the downhills. I was pleasantly surprised to see how much time i would gain or how little effort i had to expend to stay in the pack on these sections.  The course was unforgiving for many. Of the 30 starters in my field, only 28 made it to the first checkpoint, 27 at the second checkpoint, 26 at the 3rd, 25 at the 4th, 17 at the 5th, and 14 at the finish!  Part of the attrition was due to the cut off times (i'm assuming this happened before the 4th and 5th cut offs), but part was due to mechanicals, crashes, and the hard steep climbs on the course.

Thru to the first checkpoint/food station there were several times when i would look at the pace of the group and decide if i should stay in the draft or go off on my own. Ultimately the group size was too large for me to make much headway alone until the climbs and the first 25km of the course was relatively flat, so it was smart to stay in the group. At 25km we hit the first climb and got a taste of what was to come... i quickly gained a gap on the group i was with and held that into the second segment.  Somewhere in that second segment i caught a girl and we worked together for a while ... well, until she pushed me to the inside on a corner with a sloppy pass and i landed drive-side down.  I took a moment to assess myself and my bike - from what i could see the handlebar had been turned in and i had some scratches. OK, keep riding. Unfortunately the derailleur was pretty messed up. The gears were skipping around but i eventually found a few i could ride in. As long as i could ride, i was happy. 

We hit a steep climb and i needed my easiest gear ... unfortunately the chain went into the spokes (and so did part of the derailleur. I pulled it out, pulled on the derailleur hanger and then started walking. I have to pause here to talk about the people. Italians are amazing. They love their bike racing/riding. The locals were out on EVERY SINGLE CLIMB cheering us on. I cannot think of a climb where there were not a bunch of locals cheering. It was just amazing. I really enjoyed soaking in all of their positive energy as i rode up the climbs. It made my day so much better. On this particular climb a guy saw me walking and told me (in Italian) to get back on my bike and ride ... that i could do it. I laughed. and then i thought ... well lets try. I shifted to ensure i was not in the easiest gear and hoped on and he gave me a nice little push to help me get going! and yes, after that i was determined to make it to the top of that climb on the bike :)

About 2 hours into the race i had the usual back, hip, and quad pain that is a reminder of how lucky i am to have survived the car that hit me over a year ago. I started my on the bike stretches on every descent and whenever i could sit in the draft and not pedal for a bit. This pain made me appreciate being in the race even more.

I knew though that i needed to stop and get help. the hardest, longest, steepest climbs were yet to come  ... i did not know the terrain but i knew what the course looked like wrt climbing/descending. So i made a decision to stop at the next aid station for a mechanic. And I did. I explained in broken Italian and French and English what i needed (my easiest gear in the back and please make sure my chain does not go into my spokes!) and he said ok! I then asked for a toilet. no toilets (what!!?? - this is worth a pause too ... the course went thru towns, backyards, vineyards, and fields - there was no spot to duck off the course and pee without peeing on someone's vineyard or yard. A little different than racing in the usa :)). One of the guys at the stop said no issue, come with me ... and proceeded to take me into his home so i could use their toilet! How very nice! there was a cute little dog there that just loved me and refused to leave the bathroom which was quite hilarious.  I refilled on water while i was there since i was already stopped. The bike fix and toilet stop took me about 7 -10 minutes and i was on my way again with two specific jobs i was focused on:  (1) ride all the climbs .... no walking. i stopped to fix my bike and i would ride dammit! and (2) see how many people i could catch.  

There were several gears that were unusable (skipping around) in the middle of my cassette but the easy gears and hard gears were solid. It was the best i could ask for and i was super happy i could keep riding. The rest of the race was spent catching groups, recovering for a bit, asking them if they wanted to work with me, and then catching the next group. after the half way point anyone i'd catch would say 'yes' to working with me but the next thing i knew i was alone again and they were somewhere off the back. they were fading and i was on a mission. I was feeling strong, had been fueling well, and was continuing to soak in all the positive energy from the spectators. It was a good day. I was working hard, and sometimes i cursed the course, but it was a good day. 

The second half of the course had most of the climbing and it was unrelenting and very steep. At points i saw 25% on my Garmin, and it was all i could do to keep pushing the pedals to make it up the hills. The cheering spectators were out in full force and were a great source of energy and encouragement. On one of the final climbs, which was particularly steep and long and ended with 100m of very loose gravel, i was really struggling. Everyone was walking. I passed some of the pro women walking. Men were walking. I was the only one riding - but it was much faster than walking. so i kept going. When i turned the corner and saw the loose gravel it was tempting to give up and walk. just at that moment a spectator asked me if i was ready to push hard and ride to the top? only 100m left he said. I said i will try! and he ran beside me with a hand on my back the rest of the way up the hill! wow! I was really out of breath at the end of that climb but so thankful and full of joy for the comradery and the act of kindness that i had just experienced. I'll say it again. Italians are amazing. 

I pushed all the way to the finish, not having a clue where i was in the field. I was so spent when i was done and when Jonathan told me i was 5th in my AG, i almost cried. What a day. What an experience. I am so thankful for all the help and support i had along the way. It takes a village to make things like this happen ... my coach got the engine ready, Element Cycles got the bike ready, and First Endurance provided the nutrition that fueled me (with pancakes, crepes, and cookies too of course).   Jonathan was my biggest supporter, watching the kids while I did many long rides and races to prepare.  And i had a community of support from others in my life ... I was touched by those of you who reached out to wish me luck and send me your positive vibes - thank you so much - it means so much.

A few other memories that stick in my head:

• The endless Vinyards and smell of over-ripe grapes
• the thick coat of dust all over my body from about 3km in until the end
• the people, oh the people!
• the warm feeling of the sun on my body
• the cool feeling that would last about 1 min when a spectator dumped water down my back
• the warmth and energy of the people (yes, again!)

And with that, my gravel season for 2023 is a wrap! My focus will be on Cyclocross and Esports for the next few months ... but you can bet i'll be back for more gravel in 2024.

Flagstaff training race

Friday I hopped on a plane to Az so I could do a training race in flagstaff. I knew the altitude would be tough. Not much was posted about the course but looking at the map I knew that it was just shy of 100 miles and had over 6k of climbing, with a max elevation of 9000ft.   It was going to be hard. Exertion at altitude is a challenge for sea dwellers and exasperated with asthma. I took my puffer before and carried it. The race organizers said the course would take 5 hours. That meant it should be fast, so I put ample (read:too much) pressure in my tires. I also never fully trust race prediction times and packed enough food for about 10 hours 🤪. 

 

I had my camelback and 2 bottles and figured, if the race times were right I’d only stop once. The race started with a mellow 4 mile neutral lead out where I was nicely positioned at the front right behind the Aussie national champion. Then all hell broke loose. Normally in a long gravel race people form groups and stuck together. It quickly became evident that this was no normal race. As soon as the lead our vechicle turned out it was on. The men just kept attacking. A group would form, then an attack. The following group would fight to get back. Another attack. It was relentless. I stayed with this group at a hard pace for about 45 min before my legs said “no”, and my heart rate warned me I was in the red for too long. I settled back into a tempo pace on my own. And that was that. For the rest of the race I was solo. I’d meet up with someone every now and then, chat for a bit and then we’d go out separate ways due to hill skills or aid station stops.

 

I was sure that I was racing for second after the first hour. The AUS national gravel champ was there and she’d hitched onto an attack I missed. There was one out and back- up to saddle mountain- and I saw her on the way down. She was about 5 min ahead of me 40 miles into the race. I was surprised. I expected her to be further ahead. I told myself: keep pushing, never give up… you are doing this to test your limits .  she’s a great carrot for you to chase. Stay focused.   

 

I really tried to focus on pedaling. My mantra for the day was Relentless Forward Momentum. My goal for the day was to empty the tank. I did both. 

 

The course was unforgiving. The singletrack was so narrow you couldn’t see the dirt. There were a lot of chunky rocks. I didn’t see one big one and I came unclipped and my pedal took a chunk out of my ankle. Ouch. Keep going. The climbs were long, sometimes really loose, and exposed to headwinds. Keep going. Some of the down hills were so sketchy I had to put my foot down a few times. Yup, keep going. After hitting 9000 ft I was experiencing altitude sickness - dizzy,  a bit nauseous. Took my puffer and kept going. 

 

There are these moments where I am reminded of the impact of the car hitting me head on a year ago. My brain can’t process the sun/shade sometimes and I have to stop, close my eyes and take a few deep breaths, then try again. And  I get this deep deep pain in my right quad where the muscle was torn-  pretty much a constant companion a few hours into a long ride. I’ve figured out a stretch I can do while on the bike that alleviates the pain, and sometimes I do it once per mile. Sometimes 5x per mile.  Sometimes once every 5 miles. It’s not what you think- I’m not complaining. These moments fuel me. I have a flash of frustration, then I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude and desire to push. My mental thought process goes like this: I’m here. I signed up for this. Yes it hurts. Yes it is hard.  It is exactly what I wanted. Suffering induces growth. Get after it. Use the opportunity to grow. And so I keep going. Relentless forward momentum. 

 

The aid stations deserve a shout out. The first one only had whiskey 🤪. Yup. Whiskey. Thankfully the water station was just another 5 miles. I dropped a bottle somewhere in the chaos of continuous attacks in the first hour. I stopped 3 times, not wanting to risk running out of water. There were tutus, whiskey, and friendly faces at each one. 

 

I did ok on my fueling, consuming ~1800 cal and 5.5L of fluids in just under 7 hours. Yes, that is how long the race took me.  I target between 200-250cal per hour on the bike and was happy to hit my mark. I ate pancakes (oat banana from home), waffles, sandwiches, cliff blocks, Skratch chews, and had EFS pro in my bottles. I like variety and it worked well. And yes, I had food left. I also consumed all my saltstix tabs (about 12). It was hot and dry!  My feet kept feeling like they were either on fire (kept loosening the boa) or about to cramp. I’ve never had that on a long race. Something to study. The tabs kept me from cramping and there was not much I could do about the feeling of fire, or what people call hot spots. Hurt like hell… but I kept going. 

 

There is a time in almost every really long race where you ask yourself “why am I here? Why do I do this? What the f** was I thinking?”. The answer is always the same. You chose this. You want to find your limits and push thru them. You are here to learn and grow. You are here to suffer and part of you dies, making room for other parts to grow stronger. Every time you do this, you come out stronger. So keep going. For me, this line of questioning can happen a few times. Usually around or just before 4 hours in, and again in the last miles if they are tough. And boy were those miles tough. There is a saying that pain is weakness leaving the body. I left a lot of weakness out there in the desert. All part of the process, making room for something stronger to grow.  

 

I am proud of my ride. Proud of my growth. And the icing on the cake is that somewhere along the line the AUS champ called it, and I came first. Relentless forward momentum for the win. 

 

 

 

Rebeccas Private Idaho (2022)

Since the crash in early May I had been dreaming about this race. My dream and hope was to line up. Just to line up after the injuries and recovery over the past few months is such a gift. And I’m here! I couldn’t do it without Jonathan Keller support, and without the help and encouragement from my coach Jessica Cutler and my many friends and family who believe in me … who continually remind me to be brave, to see (really see) the beauty of life all around me, who bring out the best in me. You will all be riding with me tomorrow during the longest day. Thank you for your love and support. I’m one lucky human.

RPI day 1 was a blast. I was a bit worried about the single track as I haven’t been able to train on it this summer (injuries). But here is what I have to say about the singletrack: wheeeeeeeeeee! Woot! I loved it! It was fun to remember why I love riding singletrack . I struggled at the start due to some weird cramping which is not normal for me (so im blaming altitude), but I managed to push thru it, and enjoy every second of oxygen deprived suffering. So much fun! 11th on the day. Best of all, I met my goal: I had fun, I enjoyed the pain, I appreciated being here, and soaked up the views .

RPI Day 2 was not an awesome performance, though the kit Jonathan bought me for my bday was on point :) I was not with the front group getting to the top (had to pee! Twice!).. so I had to wait for 35 min. And I lost the course on my wahoo so had no idea how far it was to the top. All excuses aside the reality is that my pacing was wayyy too conservative. Time to shake the dust off, recover, and take that feeling of “I had more in the tank” into Sunday. Views were amazing today and my fav part was coming down and cheering for the remaining racers

And it’s a wrap! Rebecca’s Private Idaho was everything I could have asked for. It was such a big milestone in my recovery journey, and a wonderful part of my life journey. The views were amazing. The heat (and wide temp variations!), altitude, and climbing were punishing. It was an honor to experience this. I met my goal and was fully present each day, soaking it all in. I feel so lucky! To have the support (looking at you Jonathan Keller ) to do this with three young girls…. Being recovered enough to do it… and knowing I had so much love and support each pedal stroke made it so sweet. On the final day of over 100 miles, every time I was alone there were two or three yellow butterflies that joined me. It was so incredibly special. thank you all, and thank you Rebecca’s Private Idaho for this experience. It was a dream come true. 10th in the overall GC.

My healing Journey

 After that time with my parents I doubled down on my healing focus. I got on the trainer, and did some easy miles. I did my eye exercises to help with my vision, which was impacted from the accident due to the concussion. I walked. I slept. I did PT 2x per week, Chiro 3x per week, accupuncture 3x per week, and had follow up appointments. The cast came off and i did hand therapy 3x per week.  I was pretty busy with all the appointments, sleeping, and eating. 

Sometimes progress was amazing. sometimes it stalled, and was frustrating. I just kept reminding myself: this is your job right now. your job is to heal. take it seriously. So i did.  Every day I would stretch, do the PT exercises, nap, eat well, meditate, and get some fresh air.  I slowly increased time on the bike, without intensity. I couldn't really look at the screen so i'd just ride, without any feedback on what i was doing.  

In August i returned to work. I had to break up my day to get breaks from the screen, and would walk for some calls, taking them on my phone. I worked reduced hours, working up to my regular work week. And here is the cool thing: my team was there for me. They really leaned in. I have a great team at work - i manage about 40 people, with 4 directs. They were there for me, they took up some of my work, and covered for me. And when i came back i asked them if they wanted me to take it back - some of it yes, some of it no. i learned to work differently, to rely more on my team which meant they were more empowered and i had time to focus on strategy, culture, product. it was life-changing - i love my job even more than i did before. My team taught me how to be a better leader. it's been amazing and i'm very thankful for that

i'd been increasing my rides and in Aug i started to add intensity. I wanted to get ready for Rebecca's Private Idaho - which i'd signed up for prior to the accident. It was an important part of my healing journey - and my goal was to enjoy every moment of suffereing, to empty my tank - whatever that meant - and to show up for myself every day. I did (more on that race later). This was such a milestone for me.

People would ask me 'are you back'? 'is your form back?' No. I'm not back. there is no going back, and honestly, I don't want to go back. I want to move forward. If i am doing everything i can, each day, to improve my form while balancing my other life priorities (kids, job, husband), then i am winning. period. I would not give up what i've learned in this process. no, i do not want to 'get back' or 'go back'. 

Relentless forward momentum has been my motto for a while now, and it serves me well. It does not mean no down time ... it means i am always doing something to move myself forward. This might be a day off to really recover, meditation to grow from the inside, or a hard workout to grow my fitness. All of these things move me forward and i'm grateful for each day, and for the new habits and i am learning which help move me forward.  

New Beginnings

When you stop writing, and then want to start again, it's hard to know where to start. So i'm going to start with this ...  Life is interesting. it serves you up lessons when you least expect it. and if you are not paying attention, not leaning into your values and pushing to be your best self, these lessons can be harsh. The past few years have been a journey, and the journey is not over. I'm so greatful to be on this journey - and my hope is that it never ends.

There are events in life that make you stop. That turn your life sideways. That make you re-evaluate everything, and i mean everything. Values. What your purpose is. Who you are. Who you want to be. Deep questions coupled with deep, often painful, self-evaluation and learning. This is where it starts. Some people don't need life to serve them up a hard lesson to 'pay attention'. Good for them! 

Over the past few years i've had a few hard lessons and amazing oppertunities served my way. I'm proud to say i've grown with each one. And I've come to the realization that writing helps me process that growth and to cement it. The initial lessons were deeply personal and i'm goig to leave those out for now, and just state that i started on a self-growth, self-discovery, and self-healing journey a few years ago. Those lessos were hard but i am so so thankful for them.

You see, in May of 2022, i was racing 3-day stage road race. I had traveled to eastren WA with my 2 kids and our au pair. I left them at the resort in levenworth, and showed up to race. I met a dear friend before the start - someone i had zwifted with for years and had the oppertunity to meet in person. It was the best part of my trip, and he was just as nice and friendly as he was online. The world is full of good humans - he is definately one of them.  The race was un-eventful - rainy but the field i was in was smart and there were no accidents. The final 1km of the course was a closed course. My team gave me the nod to head up front on a downhill section, so i made my way forward. As we turned left, i could see the finish lint - up a slight hill. it was time for me to fly. I saw a line to the left of the field and started to sprint, watching the bikes to my right. As soon as i got clear of the wheels (ie: i was winning), i looked up, and felt, saw, and heard the smack of a car hitting me, head on. Some confused lady had found her way onto the course and hit me. I don't remember much after that. I was suddenly on the road. I was confused. People were asking if i was ok. I was asking if i could still race the next day, and where was my bike. the pain came in waves. First my left hand - i noticed the bruising and took off my glove. it really hurt. then my right shoulder. i struggled to get the key for my car out of my back pocket and someone had to do it for me. then my left shin and knee. and as i stood up, my right quad. I could walk so i opted not to use an ambulance- figured that should be saved for someone who might need it (ie life or death situation), and asked a friend to take me to the hospital. 2 other women were hit by the same car. 

I was going 35mi/hr when that car hit me. and the car was going about 10, and then stopped when she hit me. My left hand punched the grill of the car and my left knee and shin smashed into it. the handlbar from my bike spun around and tore my right quad. My head smashed into the windsheild after i came off the bike, and then, according to spectators, i did a 360 in the air and then landed on my right side on the ground. I don't remember any of this.

It took a while to identify all the injuries. It took a while to release the emotional energy.  I'm still healing - that part takes even longer, and some impacts may last my whole life. 

I could have died. Honestly, i should have died. if you look at the facts on paper, it is nothing short of a miracle that i am alive, let alone able to race my bike again.

about 24 after the crash, I discovered THC and CBD cream - i did not want to be on narcotics but was in so much pain. I knew i needed to find an alternative and from what i read, THC could be the ticket, and it's legal in WA. OK, i thought, if i'm going to let my body heal i need to get off these narcotics and help it heal. The THC cream was amazing. I dropped the narcotics immediately and used the THC cream to help with the pain and the CBD for inflammation. I no longer felt sick to my stomach all the time and had a clear head. I honestly don't know why this stuff (at least in the cream form) is not legal everywhere. It is so much better than narcotics.

I was in shock for about a week after. I called into work on Monday. Rediculous i know. I had a concussion and didn't know it and the screen made me sick to my stomach. I had two new direct reports who'd started that week, i welcomed them to the team and then promptly told them i needed to take 8 weeks of medical leave. I knew i had to focus on recovery - i was in constant pain and could not focus. I barely had enough energy to get up in the morning, and i cried at least once a day, uncontrollably for at least 20 minutes. 

Initial physical recovery was hard, it was frustrating, and it was lonely. I had a lot of pain, and much of it felt unexplained, and thankfully had a great chiropractor who helped. They were the ones who discovered one cause for my back pain - my ribs were out. 5 ribs were out to be exact. They popped them back in - boy did that hurt but it alleviated so much pain! i had to keep popping them back in a few more times before they settled into place. When the pain was not progressing as expected (i could not kneel on my left knee, my right arm/shoulder was unusable) ... they ordered MRIs for me so we could see what was going on. Turns out that I had a grade 3 AC separation and Grad 2 CC separation plus bursitis in my left shoulder.  I had also fractured my right clavicle.  We also discovered I had fractured my left tibia, torn my MCL, and had micro fractures all down my left shin. and finally, that i'd partially torn my right quad with the handlebar. I went to see some specialist to determine if i needed to worry about any of this - nope, let it heal. ok, roger that. I knew my current focus had to be on recovery. 

Once i was thinking clearly, i knew i wanted to 'go home' to Nova Scotia. My parents are amazing people and my childhood home has been a place of love, restoration, and healing for me many times in my life. jonathan had to go to a 1 week long conference in CA and I said 'ok, i'm taking the kids and going home'. And so i did. Cast on one hand and sling for the other, with the help of strangers and two tropper kiddos, we made it. Jonathan met us there after his conference, and i spent a total of 3 weeks with my parents on the farm. It was so magical. I got to talk to my parents, to soak up the magic of the farm, to meditate, to breathe, and to heal. I even dusted off my 29in mtb and did my first ride since the crash while i was there. This trip marked a turning point in my recovery - i still had a long way to go, but pausing here and really focusing on body + mind recovery gave me the strength i needed to heal. I will be forever greatful for my parents - for many many things. But this trip will hold a special place in my heart forever. 

Joe Martin Stage Race!

Wow! what an amazing turn-out for the virtual Joe Martin stage race!  The line up was stacked with Olympians, Ex-Olympians, National Champions, and generally strong riders. 

Stage 1: Individual Time Trial. The time trial was on the much loved and much hated Bologna course :) It's flat for the first few KMs and then straight up for the last two KM. It ends up that you spend 50% of the time on the flat and 50% on the climb.  At my weight the strategy was clear: pace the flats and hammer the hill. I would need to really hit the hill hard if i wanted to place well. I had it all planned out with time split goals ... and then it happened. They changed the type of race at the last minute. Instead of the traditional TT setup, it was a mass start, with no splits. So i set up my Garmin head unit to read from the Kickr while i used my Garmin pedals to power my bike on Zwift. I'd have to try to track my own splits. It kinda worked out. haha. I did pace on the flats, and perhaps a touch too much ... I totally ignored everyone around me and just stared at watts, targeting about 221, which is a touch under my FTP.  and then i got to the hill, and hammered up at 250+ (about 5.1w/kg).  I think i was in 50th at the bottom of the hill .. and about 35th at the top.  The top girls pushed 5.9w/kg for about 15 min (the full TT). Holy crap. I was happy with my 4.8 w/kg :)

Stage 2: Road Race. Well, this was interesting. We were supposed to have a moment of silence at the start (for 1 min) and then a neutral rollout for 1km.  The moment of silence worked well. the rollout .... not so much.  Someone didn't get the memo and there were several riders pushing the pace off the front. I stayed around 2w/kg until the 1km mark and then sprinted to catch the main pack. ouch!  After that it was chaos and watt bomb thru the hill Titan's Grove, and then chill in the desert./flats.  I stuck with the top group (averaging 4w/kg)!  Very fun race! the end was interesting too. it was supposed to end at the top of a hill, but instead we had to sprint down the other side. I hesitated and it cost me. I was 9th.

Stage 3: Crit. Crits always hurt, and this was no exception. The course was relatively flat with the exception of a 1-2-3 punch where there were three short steep hills in a row with no recovery in between. I was happy to hang with the front group to the end and even took a QOM on one of the short hills. in the final 1-2-3 punch i just didn't have it. I gave everything for 12th place.


It was an incredible experience to get to race alongside (even virtually) such a strong field of women!

Tour of the Gila 2020 - virtual stage race on Zwift

Tour of the Gila ... Wow! what a cool experience! It was so fun to get to race against such a strong field of riders ... in my own house!  I raced as part of team Revo, which is a great group of girls  - find out for yourself and meet the team here.

Day 1 - Team Time Trial.  Turns out you have to practice these things :) That said, the girls did awesome! we worked together pretty well, though we could have done with some practice. You can check out the footage here (general race footage) or  here (my team via my avatar).  Team Revo was 6th!


Day 2 - Circuit Race.  This was a fun course with lots of little kickers and real climbs.  We ended on a flat with an all out sprint where I snagged 6th!  you can watch me and my avatar here

Day 3 - Mountain Stage. This was so hard and so fun! it finished on the top of a long 20 min climb where i came in 8th overall. you can watch me and my avatar here


It was such a great experience, and I got 8th overall in the Tour. i'm already getting excited about the next one - The Joe Martin Stage race in June!