It's not all sunshine and roses, in fact what happens behind the scenes, can be pretty hard sometimes - this is true for everything in life. Work, Relationships, Athletic endeavors, and striving to be the best version for you. This weekend was a good example of this for me on the athletic front, and i'm sharing it on FB because i think it's important to acknowledge that we all struggle. We all have bad days. it's what we do when that happens that can shape us. I have more work and growth to do here - but am so happy to be on that journey with amazing humans who support me.
So .... this past weekend i did a 103mi gravel race in Arizona. Going in I knew I wasn’t in top shape. My knee was bothering me - i'd strained my mcl at Whistler, and it had flared up my right hip/glute and back. I had Zoe’s cold. Oh and that thing caused perimenopause was messing with me and i had wicked hot flashes leading up to the race which meant crap sleep. But that’s life and that’s racing. I knew it would be hard but I was committed to doing the race. Looking back I don’t think I mentally prepared for just how hard it would be. It was brutal.
My word for the day was gratitude. And contrary to how I might sound so far, I was grateful. You see, despite all these life things, i was here! The weather was perfect. The scenery was amazing. I was here to ride my bike all day- what a treat! In the start shoot I saw the moon - how cool. i love seeing the moon in the day. This moon would be my steady companion thru out the day.
The start was insanely fast… after the 10k climb we would dip into the dirt and no one wanted to be caught behind anyone else. I was one of those people and worked really hard to keep on a good wheel leading into the dirt. Once there I practiced safe passing and did my best. I felt pretty good, not amazing- my back hurt and my right hip hurt like heck but I’d applied some tiger balm and it was helping.
Into the dirt I was feeling pretty good and did a good job ignoring the pain in my back and hip. My knees were holding up with the copper compression sleeves I had on (that doubled as knee warmers!). I got stuck behind some slower riders, relaxed, and passed when I could. Once we were back on the dirt roads I found my caffeine and Tylenol. It’s like I felt it immediately, I felt so good going into 3 hours. And I was half done already! Wow, I thought, this could be a good day.
At this point I’d made one fatal mistake you cannot undo. I had not eaten enough. When I realized it had been 3 hours and I’d maybe consumed 300 cal, I started to shove food down my throat. But you cannot undo mistakes like that, and I would pay for it.
The wheels seem to come off around mile 75 to mile 95. And these miles were brutal. 2 miles of sand I could not ride thru. Single track that was grueling and where you did lot get any rest on the descents. Climbing. A lot of climbing. I watched the girls I’d been riding with and had passed, pass me. I said to myself. It’s ok. You just keep moving. Your job is to suffer now, so suffer as much as you can. I had no ability to push. I kept eating. Around mile 90, it came back. Part of it was that my body had more fuel. And part of it I’m sure was that I knew the suffering would be over and at the end I’d ask myself if I’d suffered as much as I could. I wanted to answer myself that yes, honestly I had. And I did. I honestly had suffered as much as I could on the day.
The views were so amazing. And every time I’d be tired and be hurting, I’d look out to the view and say “thank you”, locking the moon in my gaze. The moon was still there. I was still there. I could do this. I just kept pedaling and at some point it felt like my legs were on auto pilot.
I knew my power was low and ignored the numbers, focusing on the km until the next turn so I could break up the ride. The hardest part was a road climb where I seemed to struggle to hold over 160w. It was so demoralizing. I turned inward. Give what you have I told myself. Don’t leave any regrets out here. And I didn’t. i'm proud of not giving up.
Several times in the race I wanted to cry. My back hurt so much. My hip hurt so much. It was hard to push, my breathing was off. I could tell my glutes were not firing and my back was taking the load. Every time It felt 'too hard', i would ask myself: can you keep pedaling? Yes. Then stop feeling sorry for yourself and keep pedaling! Ok. I kept moving. I looked up. the moon was still there, my loyal companion. At this point, I didn’t give a crap about anyone else. I passed some and some passed me. I kept pedaling. I was deep in my own world of suffering mixed with gratitude. I kept looking up to see the moon, still in the sky, and the views - so breathtaking.
At the finish I was so done! I was not happy with my performance, but i had showed up for myself and i had dug so deep. my girls were proud of me. I had placed 2nd in my age group. And honestly I was proud of me too. I’d done something very hard for me on that day. I wish it had been a different kind of hard. But it’s days like this that make us realize what we are capable of. And make us question our life choices 🤪
and yes, i want to do another one. and i want to do better, to remember the lessons i learned and get another chance to see what i can do - emotionally, physically, mentally. And so now it's time to recover and recharge so i can try this again.
huge shoutout to my family - what great support i get! And to my community - my coach, Element Cycles for getting my bikes ready, and my friends. I feel like such a winner just by having these amazing humans in my life.
